Tube etiquette - a rant. Sorry.

After my manic train journey a few weeks ago with the scary, hairy arm-pitted lady who couldn't stop heckling the train conductor, (before announcing she didn't have a bomb), I can't stop thinking about tube etiquette. Most sane people (bomb lady excluded) know it's an unwritten rule that you don't speak to strangers on the tube.
It just makes you, them and everyone else in the carriage awkward.
I don't know why, but it does. Every now and then a random girl will lean across and say, "I really like your shoes, where did you get them from?" Que instant awkwardness. 

If you got them from New Look you end up laughing nervously, while looking at her Mulberry handbag thinking "I wish, more than anything, I was getting off at the next stop."
If they're designer (I've stupidly wasted my money on a few) you feel like a posh twat.
Either way, it's just awkward.
Even if your shoes are from somewhere perfectly normal like Office or Topshop you then have a three minute chat about the shoes, what other colours they come in, how much they were, which celebs have worn them etc... 
And then have an awkward three stops further wondering if you should just make idle chit-chat seeing as you've bonded over the shoes and are sitting next to each other.
Or is it OK to just shut up and go back to reading the paper?
The tube is weird. 
Awkward tube moments include... - when homeless people come through the connecting carriage door and start with the whole "Hello Ladies and Gentleman, sorry to bother you..."spiel.
Instant nervous feeling and eyes locked on the floor.  
You don't want to initiate a conversation, but I feel rude if I don't give any money or even acknowledge their presence.
I've given beggars cash before on the tube and been reprimanded by a suited 'n booted elderly man who snarled: "You're not helping the situation by giving them money, it's illegal to beg on here, you're just encouraging them." Great. You feel awkward either way.
A couple of months ago me and my boyfriend witnessed an angry OAP (who looked scarily like John McCririck) threatening to punch a homeless man who was strumming a guitar and asking for money on the tube. Not cool.
- Buskers

 Seriously I really think there should be auditions for buskers.
Or are there? Do they have to pass a buskers test to prove they're not tone deaf and crap? 
Monument tube station has the worst buskers I've ever heard. 
The old, grey haired dude with the electric guitar fills me with head-to-toe anger everyday on the way to work. He's always there, no matter what time. I'm angry even thinking about the drivel that comes out of his out-of-tune guitar. And he plays so loud. 
Why? Just turn down the volume you cretinous moron.
I must have walked past him and physically recoiled at least 50 times...it pains me when I hear his menacing tones as I come up the escalator.
Some days I feel like begging the ticket barrier staff to make it stop.
Also there's a guy with an accordion at Monument... I'm not even going to get started on him and his scary, bulging eyes.
On the flip side I love it when you're at Leicester Square tube late on a Saturday night, the buskers there are always brilliant. You end up dancing and singing along.

In fact maybe there's prime time slots for buskers, like comedians?
That would explain why the grey, electric guitar dude at Monument is on every day at 10.30am.
He'd cause a riot during morning rush hour.
- Meeting someone you know
Why is meeting people, completely unexpectedly, on the tube so awkward? 
Is it because you're in 'tube zone'...not talking to anyone, or wanting to engage in conversation, actively eyeing up the next available seat.
Meeting someone you haven't seen for years is the worst.
If you were in the pub, this would be awesome. You'd hug, swap numbers and be genuinely chuffed to randomly bump into each other.
However, on the tube you want to run the other way.
It's awkward as everyone else is eves dropping. Wondering how you know each other, did you use to date? 
People can sense your awkwardness. I'm sure of it.

Other problematic tube issues are... 
- People eating - it's too smelly, too warm, too unhygienic
- Fit people - it's impossible to not stare at ridiculously hot men, who are sat two feet away.
- Is she pregnant or not? - I hate that moment, you flounder around wondering if the round-bellied person in front of you is actually preggers or just fat. That dread of offering your chair to a none-pregnant belly bloater.
- People sneezing - when people sneeze in the office, you politely offer a "bless you" and carry on with your work. When people sneeze on the tube you instantly think of the gems, turn the other way and huff internally at the "sick" person next to you.
When you move to London there should be some kind of underground handbook to get you through these awkward moments.Also I've been wondering... will there ever be a First Class section on the tube?
Would the city bankers pay extra to travel in peace?
I think so.